The Trouble with Pliers

This email was sent by a nameless colleague earlier this year (long enough ago for the wound to have healed) and left me rolling on the floor laughing. Merry Christmas!

sorry for my lack of response to your phone call. I've been completely out of it for the past few days. I had a bit of an accident that is not life threatening or anything, but rendered me completely incapacitated for a few days.

It's a long story, but the short version is that I had a needle nose pliers rammed extremely forcibly up my nose. Punched a hole through the middle of my nose from one nostril to the other about and inch and a half inside my nose. Hurt like a bitch.

actually, what the hell, it is embarrassing, but here's the email i sent to my boss letting him know I wasn't coming into work the next day... DON'T spread this around. I'm embarrassed as s*** about it.

****************************************************

So I was doing the brakes on [name withheld]'s vehicle last night. It was about midnight and I was almost done... just finishing up the shoes on the back.

If you've ever done drum brakes, you'll know that it works best with a brake spring tool, but almost no one has this special tool, and everyone just uses a pair of pliers to take the springs off and to put them back on. I've got a really great pair of needle nose pliers that are very skinny and pointy, but strong. They work great for the tough springs on brakes.

So I'm almost finished and I've just got the last spring to put on. I'm stretching it but it's tough and I can't really see the hole that I'm trying to hook it into. I'm on my knees and I've got both hands on the pliers putting as much force as possible on that damn spring. In order to get a better look at the hole that it needs to hook into, I stick my head down under the wheel well and watch very closely as the spring lets go and my pliers slip off and I jab the needle nose pliers extremely forcibly up my right nostril about 3 cm.

Blood immediately begins to pour in a steady stream onto the shop floor and all over my hands. The needle nose pliers are stuck up my nose. Blood is pouring out of BOTH nostrils for some reason. I'm spitting blood. I jerk the pliers out of my nose. Ouch. That hurts. Now there's more blood. I think I've lost almost a litre already. I run to the house, pouring blood along the way and yell at [name withheld] from the back door. She jumps out of bed and comes running, only to start screaming and crying and telling me she loves me because she thinks I'm going to die. Should she call 911? No, just get a few cold wet towels and some ice. I'm not going to the hospital!

I cut a tampon in half with my leatherman and stick it up my nose. I'm bleeding like hell but I go finish the brakes just because I'm so f***ing pissed at them and there is no way they are going to get away without being finished. And I am NOT going to the hospital.

At the emergency room they can't seem to stop the bleeding, but they determine that i've jabbed a hole from my right nostril clear through the middle wall of my nose to the left nostril. They fill my nose with some kind of powder that is supposed to be a wonder clotting agent. After a couple of hours they give me a truck load of swabbing and send me home, telling me that if the bleeding doesn't stop in four hours to come back.

At the emergency room for the second time the decide they need to cauterize the wound. Ouch. That hurts. Now I whistle when I breathe.

*************************************************************

For the past couple of days I've had a bitchin' headache, but i'm doing better now.

• humor